I'll have two barely cooked cow's arses, please. And a side order of reconstituted maize

On the one hand, we should be thankful that Sam & Maxie's, a bar and eatery on the Stevenage Fun Park, has not descended into pseud's corner menu puff - "goujons of tender breast of chicken permeated with a light saffron-tinged marianade". But the owners of this place, which bears more than a passing resemblance to the diner in Edward Hopper's Nighthawks - and that's during the day - maybe erred a little too far towards the blunt in its guide to how well steak orders will turn up:

Very rare: Cold red centre
Rare: Cool red centre
(Too grades I can't quite remember)
Medium well done: Hot centre, cooked through
Well done: No colour, somewhat dry.

Actually, on second thoughts, I'll skip the steak.